Tag Archives: Relationships

Are you good enough? Smart enough? Do people like you?

If you’ve attended one of my live workshops, you’ve probably heard me explain research showing that:  people are six — count’em six — times more likely to do for you, than we are willing to ask for. 

I’ll bet you can think of someone that’s gotten something or done something you should have gotten or done — all because they were pushy — unashamedly willing to ask and keep asking for whatever was on their mind.  If we could just summon up the courage to ask ourselves, we’d be able to lay claim to other people’s willingness to help!

But it’s more than that.  It’s more than simply having the nerve to ask.

For many, it’s all a symptom of social anxiety disorder (SAD).

Lots of us have SAD to some degree or another. While it’s my job to speak before large stadium-sized crowds or handfuls of folks that barely fill a conference room, I don’t recall ever being nervous. But, put me in social setting with people I don’t know and I’ll feel awkward and out of place till the ice breaks (then watch out dance floor!).

New research from Washington University in St. Louis suggests that SAD not only affects what you get but lessens your perception of the strength of your relationships.


  1. 112 people were paired in a study with a non-romantic friend.
  2. Each pair completed an evaluation of the strength of their relationships.
  3. People with social anxiety had a strong tendency to report that their friendships were not as strong as their friends saw it.


It’s estimated that 13% of the U.S. and European populations have been diagnosed with some form of social anxiety disorder and lots more probably have SAD to some degree but haven’t been diagnosed.

When you think about what you should be doing to advance your career or deepen your personal relationships, you probably think about developing a new skill, reading a book or getting in better shape.

However, real advancement of our goals may be as simple as forcing ourselves to ask for what we want and believing that people care about us as much as we care about them.

Reminds me of that old Saturday Night Live skit when the character Stuart Smiley offers his mirror his daily affirmation, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.”

Source: https://news.wustl.edu/news/Pages/27665.aspx

Sleep Position & Relationships

  1. Forty-two percent of couples sleep back to back while 31% sleep facing the same direction and only 4% spend the night facing each other
  2. Ninety-four percent of couples who physically touch during sleeping are happy in their relationship while only 68% of couples who don’t touch are happy
  3. Eighty-six percent of couples who sleep less than an inch apart from each other are happy, while only 66% of those who sleep more than 30 inches apart are happy

Source: University of Hertfordshire

Some rules of thumb I live by

  1. People are the key to professional, personal and social success
  2. Relationships are a choice
  3. Articulate what you want
  4. Engage with people in mutual support for mutual success
  5. Generosity and service to others is the starting point for outreach
  6. Keep a lifeline group to hold you accountable
  7. Be willing to regularly take a vulnerable look at yourself
  8. Work your plan to reach out to others
  9. Relationships aren’t a set of activities; they are a lifestyle
  10. You have a duty to be a teacher, not just a pupil


A key tenet of our approach is that business relationships and personal relationships are in essence the same (BR = PR). The book Disarming Cupid by the editors of Scientific American discusses several scientifically proven ways to enhance romantic relationships. What is interesting about it is that most of the techniques can be used in a non-romantic and even professional context. Some of my favorite findings:

  1. Excitement. Researchers such as Arthur Aron of Stony Brook show that people bond emotionally through exercise, adventure or exposure to dangerous situations
  2. Proximity. Researchers like Leon Festinger show that just being around someone tends to create positive feelings towards that person
  3. Similarity. Researchers like Dan Ariely of Duke University show that people tend to pair off with those similar in attractiveness, intelligence and background
  4. Humor. Researchers like Jeanette and Robert Lauer have showed that in long term, happy relationships, partners make each other laugh a lot
  5. Self-disclosure. Researchers such as Arthur Aron show that people tend to become closer when they share secrets with each other

Check out the book Disarming Cupid for more great insights!

Success Lives In the Margins

For too long, sales books and selling systems have tried to change the way people sell: parsing, categorizing, defining and redefining every conceivable aspect of what makes a salesperson great. You can see for yourself, a simple Amazon search for sales and marketing books produces nearly 500,000 titles, each offering some notion of how to get it right. Everybody Sells stands alone because the approach combines what your already do well with a disciplined framework for action, information sharing and engagement – all the tools you need to generate that incremental difference between just getting by and smashing success.

Between 2007 and 2009, the difference in serve speed between Grand Slam tennis match winners and losers was only 1.6%. In early 2013 the difference between being the PGA’s top driving distance golfer and ranking 20th was only 3%. The difference between Lindsey Vonn’s gold medal performance in the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics and failing to get a spot on the medal podium was 1.4%.

Let’s face it – Success lives in the margins.

Sustainable success doesn’t come from the latest fad, some notion of how you should fundamentally change the way-you-do or what-you-do, but instead from helping you do what-you-do better, time after time—generating that fine performance edge that separates top performers from the also-rans.

Relationship action planning is an evolutionary approach to achieving superior, sustainable sales performance. Central to the Everybody Sells philosophy is the common sense approach of organizing your efforts around the people that are most capable of helping you achieve your goals, engaging everybody that’s willing and able to support your efforts and ensuring the efficiency and effectiveness of every action you take. The Everybody Sells approach is a mindset and a strategic framework that will help you do just that.